why do we have to lose you so fast...

The morning turn out well and ok with rainrain jumping up and down to greet me with her wagging wiper. I knew that it will take forever to feed her hence decide to just mesh her food up and wait for dear to do the dirty job.

Went to work as usual but full of worries for her. The rain was heavy today and rainrain was on my mind the whole time.

Dear got home early and we went for a short dinner downstairs. Came up and see rainrain panting really bad. Called tvj and we decide against better or worse, we shall bring her in to be hospitalized there. At least grace heng will be there to look after her.

The journey to the vet got our sprits up as rainrain was popping her head up high and being kaypoh at a lot of traffic junctions. Held my hand on her for the fear of her breathing and thankfully, we made it through to the vet.

Yvonne was there to greet us and when I put rainrain on the weighing machine, she collapsed. Got us all freak out and Yvonne went in to put rainrain on o2 mask. We fear for the worse but yet we told ourselves that rainrain can pull through the night.

Seeing her with the o2 mask and the iv drip made our hearts sink. Sink so deep into the ocean that we could never find. Holding the o2 mask on her, she whine, cry and fight the mask away. Not a whiner as I had always praise her for, 1^st time she whine. Whine so bad that my heart ache and it hurt so bad when I see her in pain. I could tell that she had problem breathing. Grace heng told us to prepare for the worst but yet, we want to remain positive for her. Rainrain is a strong strong girl. Still fighting to stand up, to breath and to take in every single breath through the mask. She did not give up at all. For the many times that she want to push the mask away, we pacify her and she will follow our instructions to have the mask back on her. She is panting, she is in pain yet she fight all the way out for all the hopes that we had promise her. I keep telling her , rainrain u had to be strong, we had xmas parties to attend, we had new year parties , we have cny parties and its kor kor ‘s 2^nd yr birthday bash in jan and the whole wish for u to attend. She listen, she wink and she put up the fight. Using every bit and ounce of her energy , she fought. She fought through the demon that was pulling her off, she delay her turn to leave us and she, with her strong will and guts , held on to every single words that we had said to her. We promise her sentosa, to be with us till she turn 15 and to celebrate her 1^st birthday with us. Mummy will hold you a big birthday bash I told her. She wink, she listen and understand every word said by me.

4 straight hours, she use all her might to pull through, using every bit of her to breath, and just tiny bit of coaxing, she went back to the mask and try to breath all over again. Never giving up. My 1^st impression of her as I put in SPC was a sassy and independent girl and she live up to it.

Every moment, every minute is a grinch / a fight and a war between time and us. We told her to win this battle for us. She promises us to win. She try to keep her word, fighting the frontline till the every end. She did not give up. Never did she try to just let go. She know that we are waiting for her to bring her home.

At midnight, all was too hard on her. The dark side won. Fuck it! What had she done to lose this battle! We are with her.. how can she just give up on us! She promise!!!!!!!!

No she did not give up without a fight, with the last ounce of breath, she tried her every best. She did us no wrong and she did herself no wrong. She is a winner. In our heart and in the battle she fought. She did not just give up like that, she fought for 4 bloody hours. For a small body weighing 1.75kg at the age of 4mths, what she did is amazing. More amazing than the daily bitching fight I had in the office daily. More amazing that every single thing that happen. More brave that every deed that any warrior had done. She fought hard and she did not give up. She had to let go not because she give up but she had to. They are too strong for her small small body.

You know when people die, they get the cover their eyes and go to the other world? Rainrain did not. As much as grace heng tried, rainrain kept her eyes open. I think she want to show me the fire in her eyes and to tell me that “ mummy, I am watching out for u and daddy in the rainbow bridge” “ I will open my eyes real wide and make sure kor kor is not naughty and I shall open my eyes real wide to look out for the 3 of you to make sure no harm come to you”

I kissed her. Many times. The places that I always kiss her. Her forehead, her cheeks and her paws. Her paws are cold. So cold like they took her to hell and bring her back just to fucking hell show that they got the right to do so. They do not have the right to bring my rainrain to hell and show off to me! No! they got no right at all. She is mine and always mine. No one can take her away. Not to anyplace in the world. She is my warrior and mine alone.

For the 2 wks she is here. Was it a wk?? a day ? or 2? I cant remember. For the short time she is here, she brought us many amazing things that no one else can. She allow us to pin hopes that no one else can and she allow us to create dreams that can never never come true.

At every rainy day, its rainrain’s day. A day that mummy will always remember and I know when it rains, it means u have come to visit and let us know that you are here. So rain often ya? Just to let mummy and daddy knows that you are watching over me, daddy and korkor.

I so hate you. For you let me love you so much yet u let me go alone.